I'm so sick of being myself.  I don't know if I'm clinically depressed, bi-polar, have an anxiety disorder, or what....but I'm obviously not NORMAL.  Every time things start to look up, every time I get a job, get things moving in my life, I feel paralyzed.  I literally feel like I can't move.  And then to top it off I usually end up puking blood.

The latest example?  Startek.  Startek, granted, isn't the IDEAL place to work.  But it's not THAT bad.  Basically you just have to show up and try and you'll be fine.  But can I do that?  No.  I show up and two hours into it I'm sobbing, puking, and just all around freaking out.  I feel like I can't handle it.  I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.  I feel like I don't have any of the right answers.  I was seriously going to work and sobbing.  People that are morons can do that job and I can't.  I can't force myself to get up and go to a job that I hate without literally falling apart.  Normal people can.  So why can't I?  Why can't I just work through it?  Why can't I just force myself to do what I need to do to survive, to keep people happy in my life, to keep ME happy with my life.  Why is it every time I find a job it ends up seriuosly hurting me? 

And then there's the hospital stays.  I don't know if it's stress or diabetes or a fluke or what that brings it on.  But I get thrown into the hospital for this violent sickness and it just knocks me out.  I have no energy.  I have no motivation.  I feel like I have nothing.  Which just starts the depression/anxiety spiral again.

I feel so horrible.  I feel like I'm forcing the people that mean the most to me to carry me through life again.  I feel like I SHOULD just be able to buck up and do these things that I can't bring myself to do.  I know I'm smart and and that I SHOULD be able to do this stuff.  So again, why can't I?  I feel guilty.  I feel like I'm taking advantage of people.  I feel like I'm pushing people away.  I feel like people don't understand how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate them because I can't do these simple things. 

Maybe I should only work part time for awhile.  Just to prove to myself that I can do this.  But that doesn't pay my share.  That doesn't pay rent, buy medicine, pay the insurance, pay the phone bill.  *sigh*  I feel so damn useless lately.  And guilty.  And scared.  I don't know where to go or what to do.  I don't know how to get help  I don't know how to overcome this.  And lately I'm not even sure if I CAN overcome this.  It's a cycle that's been happening for ten years now.  I don't want it to destroy what I have again.  I need help and I need to know where to turn to get it.

I've been neglecting my poor xanga lately. 

It's just there's not a lot I want to shout out publicly over the internet I guess.

I did find a job.  Excitement.  With benefits.  More excitement.  And I'm so so so so so so so so glad I'm not in my other one.  I found out today that they company we wanted to get AWAY from...Blackboard...is probably buying out the company we SWITCHED TO...Angel...for Learning Management Software...which I'm sure sent my former boss into "end of the earth panic mode"...something that I did NOT deal well with.  Granted, it does suck, but it's certainly not the end of the world.  Everything seemed to be an end of the Earth crisis in that office.  So glad I'm not in that environment anymore.  Not that the NEW environment promises to be an improvement...but at least it will be DIFFERENT.

My life is taking a wonderful turn.  I'm actually hopeful for once.  Hope is not something that strikes me very often...but in many respects of my life there's hope now.  I'm completely willing to risk inserting some madness into my life for a change...I'm sick of living with torture.  And I'm actually insanely happy with that little spark.  And hopeful.  I think I'm finally on the same page.  If not....for sure the same chapter.  It's refreshing.

On that note...I'm going to try to get some sleep.  It's due.